It’s been a long time since I posted here. But I felt like this is the age where life starts to get confusing and difficult, and I wanted a online diary (of sorts) to document all the ups and downs of this wondrous life.

I’m going to be 17 in a few weeks. In one year, I will take my A Level examinations, and then I will go to university and work towards a career of my own.

As exciting as that sounds, I am so confused as to what I want. Before this year, I thought I knew what I wanted to do in life. I was going to do medicine, and be an oncologist. I was so convinced this is what my future holds.

Now, I’m not so sure. I was advised that I need to start thinking about career and university plans, and as I was doing my research for that, all my plans began to unravel. Am I really capable of medicine, when I’m so careless and incapable in mere lab sessions? Or was I really drawn to it because of the glamour and excitement it brings? Am I really interested in medicine? Because while biology is my favourite subject and I do good in it, I don’t read up on medicine articles and books as fervently as my friends.

I was told to see what I am interested in. The thing is, I am a Jack of all trades, but really, master of none. I like reading articles on human affairs and education, I like watching vlogs on Youtube, I like seeing the editing and the videography of videos. I love films, I love television shows, I love books and stories. Maybe what I liked about medicine was the human interaction.

Then, I came across Boston University’s College of Communications, and I felt like that was everything I was interested in.

But what if this is a rash impulse? How do I know for sure that that is really what I wanted? The only thing I knew I wanted was that I want to study overseas. I want to experience independence, no matter how terrifying that seems, and I want that freshmen experience that I can get in the United States.

This itself opens another Pandora’s box. I want that experience so much, but I feel so bad to let my parents pay for such an expensive education. If I knew what I wanted, I could convince myself that it is a worthy investment, but alas, I don’t even know what I want. I don’t even know if going overseas is even feasible.

Another thing I know about myself is that I don’t want to do research. I’m currently on a research attachment, and I’m finding out more and more that this is definitely not a career path I want and am suited for. It’s so stuffy and rigid, and I’m just not that type of girl that can regurgitate Chemistry facts or do calculations at the top of my head.

I got scolded today for showing illogical experimental design, and it is true. I made so many stupid mistakes, but I still feel weird about making mistakes and getting scolded. Not bitter, but just weird. Unaccustomed. This made me realise that there’s a lot for me to learn for the future, and I realised that life will not be as smooth sailing and as successful as school is, and I have to learn to accept it. I have to learn to accept that mistakes are inevitable, however embarrassing and ridiculous my mistakes always turn out to be, and that I have to learn to be out of my comfort zone and be able to move on from my mistakes. I need to learn that it’s not my mistakes that define me, but my attitude and actions that follows. As long as I am responsible and honest and do my utmost best, I must have faith that I will turn out fine. I must also learn to not grovel and please everyone. There will be people will not like me no matter how hard I try, and that’s okay. That’s life. I haven’t learnt all these lessons yet, not yet, but I will repeat this to myself whenever I face any hard days over the next month or so. I will be fine, as long as I work hard and show that I am willing to learn from my mistakes.

I will end off this really rambling post with this beautiful video that fills me with hope, optimism, determination and tears. This is the mantra that Jasmyn Wright, an American educator, teaches her third-grade students to say everyday before lessons. I urge anyone reading this to check out the video and this news article written on it. It is really worth it.

If they can do it, I can do it too. #PushThrough